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Sunday, January 31, 2010

Long Week

It's been a while but im back.

Have you ever sneezed while you were pissing? I didn't think it could happen but there i was hunched over the toilet and sure enough, I sneezed mid stream. The first thing you notice is a loss of aim. You sneeze, your eyes close, you open them, and your pissing on a shampoo bottle you knocked off in the shower. There is also a very strange burning sensation. I assume that the abrupt increase in water preasure is really taking its tole on your pee hole and thats why it burns, but im not a doctor and i really dont know. You also get a little light headed. Im not sure what that is from. It is definently a journey everyone should take once in there life. Just don't try to cut it off when you feel the sneeze comming, you might shoot your nuts right on down to your knee cap.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Hot Roasted Nuts

One time I stepped on a man's nuts. We are friends and he thought it would be a good idea to try to kick my ass. I weigh about 300lbs. Long story short he grabbed me from behind, fell on the ground and I stumbled backward and stood directly on both of his testes. I know what your thinking, "I wounder what it feels like to stand on a mans boys." It feels like your standing on two superballs.........that are inside of a Crown Royal Bag........that's attached to a passed out asshole. When he finally came to, we were contemplating calling an ambulance. No need. He made it through, and he didn't even vomit. You would think that he wouldn't have been able to procreate, but it seems like every woman he looks at is magically impregnated. Bottom line, sometimes shit don't turn out like you think it will. Sometimes you turn a mans nuts into pancakes and the only repercussion is the inability to breath due to uncontrollable laughter.

If you don't take anything else from the above story, remember this, don't place your balls under another mans foot.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Big 3-0

So like I said, I'm 30.

It seems like on my birthday all i heard was "Happy Birthday, how does it feel to be 30." Seriously? Like now that I'm 30 I'm gonna start drinking prune juice and fart out my colon. Like once you hit your birthday on any multiple of ten your supposed to be depressed. I'm pretty excited about it. I suppose i can start drawing my social security soon and blow it all on a Fiber One bender and get all fucked up on Centrum Silver.

On an unrelated subject, My wife went to Michael Tire yesterday and had some tires mounted and balanced. As we were leaving the weights that were placed around the rim to balance the tires flew off while we were driving down the road. We went back to the store and told them and they seemed to know exactly who had done it. If you were an employer and you know the Mongoloid that was making all the mistakes, wouldn't you fire them? You got a chimp with downs syndrome pinging around on people's rims with tack hammer, and your in the office laughing your ass off. What really pisses me off is that i paid ridiculous amounts in school tax so that the local high school could pass this asshole through to graduation only to fuck up my wife's car. I guess they thought they could take advantage of me because I'm old.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Popping the Cherry

I hope my first time is as sweet and sensual as it has been in my head.

I recently turned 30 and realized I'm, at the very least, half way to death. I had to find a way to record every single useless rambling that I have for all the future world to read, so that they will know that I am the master of all that is retarded. I will misspell shit, I will use bad grammar, and I will probably write a few of these naked. There is no goal I am trying to reach. I don't have a story to tell. My sole purpose is to entertain myself. I like to talk about poop. I make fun of retards. Beastiality makes me laugh. I know a guy who beats off in the shower, its not me though, I swear. I know several people who have shit themselves, one of whom threw his underwear behind the toilet at McDonald's. I have seen a man get dropped on his head and not spill his beer. I have stepped on someones balls. I have eaten a dog biscuit. I make fun of speech impediments. And one time, my wife jerked me off so hard she ripped my dick.

Any of that sound interesting? if so check back.